Miles Coverdale (manos74) wrote,
Miles Coverdale
manos74

  • Mood:

Conflict

There is such a dissonance between my desire to journal and my desire to write something that can be seen by anyone else.

Here, I must tell the truth: I have been so tempted to make this a friends-only journal and take off everyone on my friends list right now, and make whoever wants to read what I have beg and plead for the privilege of reading whatever dribble I put into the update window.

But yet, I cannot. I don't know why, but I cannot. I can assure you, it's not niceness on my part--it's not any sort of noble aspect of my character. I have *no* noble aspects of my character, and you know what? I've accepted that--it's an integral part of me.

(Is this a crutch? A way to pass the buck of my responsibility on by saying "That's just the way I am; I can't change it"? Perhaps. But I also don't give a good goddamn about that. Because I honestly don't believe there's anything wrong with the way I am right now, and thus I don't see why I ought to change to accommodate the rest of the world--particularly when I've been surrounded by so many others--not only recently, but throughout my entire upbringing--who say that the way I am is not only not wrong, but actually praiseworthy.)

All this is just to say that... for better or for worse, I cannot put my Livejournal into a place where it can only be read by me myself. I want to share my life with you all. Is this emotionally exhibitionist? Yes. Yes, it is. But you're reading it anyway, and I don't remember when I put the gun to your head and forced you to read what I wrote.

This is a place for me to...this is a gross metaphor, but it's apt. This is a place for me to lance the infection of my psyche and squeeze out all the corruption that's been festering under my skin. It's ugly and smelly--but it's what I need in order that I don't catch a spiritual gangrene.

And I know, I know painfully well, what a trial this is for those who consider themselves my friends. I know I've driven several people away from me by talking about my bad feelings instead of saying "It's all my fault and I accept the full responsibility for it." All I can say is, I'm very sorry for this. I'm very sorry I'm making you deal with my drama-queening and pity-whoring and bad emotions. I'm very sorry that my Livejournal isn't all lighthearted discussions about FF games or music I like or movies I've seen or projects I've been working on or ways in which I've betrayed my friends or my country.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but this is all to say: I am me, I write what I want, and if you don't like it, tough luck. As I've been told, that's the way to confidence, and I'm following it to death or mutilation.
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