Miles Coverdale (manos74) wrote,
Miles Coverdale

Hey, lookit--I got some more naughty spam in my inbox! Oh how happy am I.

The Facts...
KAFFEE: I want the truth!
JESSUP: You can't handle the truth!!

Before continuing, lets [sic] take a look at these sad, but true facts:

Oh, don't let's; I'm sure we can find something more interesting to do instead. Parcheesi, maybe, or charades, or maybe we can get all liquored up and whack mailboxes with golf clubs.

And what sad but true facts might these be? How much of the horrible cold light of reality will be shed upon our warm fuzzy comfortable illusions to wither them like weeds in autumn?

The average erect penis size is just 6.16". Over 90% of all men posses [sic] this size. far, I am underwhelmed.

The implication here seems to be that 6.16" is an insufficient size for a penis, and the possessor of such a micro-cock should hang his head in shame, much like someone born with a club foot. Well, I can't argue with that, now can I--after all, they've got numbers to back this all up, by god.
Though I must say I'm quite curious about where they got their poll sample from. And even if these numbers are unimpeachably accurate and mean exactly what the writer intends...well, if this is a size that most men have, what's so shameful?

...and what the fuck's wrong with having a penis that's six inches and change? Oh, right, it's not a big throbbing symbol of virility. 'Cos after all, we all know that all women want the biggest penis they can cram into themselves, and if you're packing anything less than nine inches in your boxers, YOU'LL NEVER GET A WOMAN AND YOU'LL DIE OLD AND HORRIBLY LONELY AND THE REST OF THE WORLD WILL LAUGH AT YOUR INSUFFICIENT MANHOOD HAHAHAHAHA.

Moving on.

85% of all men cannot have intercourse longer than 3 minutes, before ejaculating due to an underdeveloped and weak PC Muscle.

I should like to know exactly how this sentence follows logically from the previous one. But never mind. What I'm really looking at here is the theme of weakness and degeneracy; in short, "You are inferior!"
(The word I'm looking for here is "jeremiad"--in other words, an angry sermon that lays down the hellfire and puts the fear of gawd into you, and then says "Only if you follow me can you avoid your horrible fate."

30 Million men in the USA alone suffer from Erectile Dysfunction (Impotence) The majority of men have very poor blood circulation to the penis.

Dude, they make a pill for that now. Plus a bunch of Brand-X knockoffs. Check it out, I've seen the commercials. And I get the spam too.

By age 29, 96% of men cannot gain erections 1/5 as much as when they were 20.

*gasp* A shocker! You mean...when you get older, you can't get it up so well? Horrors! There oughta be a law!

Again, weakness, infirmity, degeneration, etc. etc.

Over 98% of men would increase the size of their penis if they knew how.

Yeah, and WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS, huh? Because this is the way the beauty myth works for men--the cultural standard is "the bigger your penis is, the more manly you are." And that goes back to what I said above about men thinking that women want nothing but enormous John Thomases.

Freud was only half-right--there's penis envy, but it's only in the man's mind, not the woman's.

I blame porn. Everyone else does.

93% of Women have never achieved an orgasm during intercourse, and 76% admit that they are dissatisfied with their partners sexual performance.

And again, it's the same implications as above--by the time we get to this sentence, we're supposed to be nodding right along and saying "yup, and no wonder--how could any man satisfy a woman when he only has a six-inch penis and can't even get it up 'cos he's too old and can't last longer than a minute or two?" Plus, you know, the implication that "sexual performance"=="intercourse."

It's not intended for the reader to put it down and say "yeah, so what?" Instead, the intended result of all this insecurity is to convince the reader to click here and go to the website where all these problems will be taken away--the carrot to the stick, as it were. It's intended to plant doubts in a man's mind--"am I studly enough?" It's intended to make you look at your wife and think "yeah, I'm a good man and a good husband and I'm gentle and kind and raise the children well--but is she really happy in bed? I better do something about that or I'll lose her forever..."
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