Miles Coverdale (manos74) wrote,
Miles Coverdale

  • Mood:


There is such a dissonance between my desire to journal and my desire to write something that can be seen by anyone else.

Here, I must tell the truth: I have been so tempted to make this a friends-only journal and take off everyone on my friends list right now, and make whoever wants to read what I have beg and plead for the privilege of reading whatever dribble I put into the update window.

But yet, I cannot. I don't know why, but I cannot. I can assure you, it's not niceness on my part--it's not any sort of noble aspect of my character. I have *no* noble aspects of my character, and you know what? I've accepted that--it's an integral part of me.

(Is this a crutch? A way to pass the buck of my responsibility on by saying "That's just the way I am; I can't change it"? Perhaps. But I also don't give a good goddamn about that. Because I honestly don't believe there's anything wrong with the way I am right now, and thus I don't see why I ought to change to accommodate the rest of the world--particularly when I've been surrounded by so many others--not only recently, but throughout my entire upbringing--who say that the way I am is not only not wrong, but actually praiseworthy.)

All this is just to say that... for better or for worse, I cannot put my Livejournal into a place where it can only be read by me myself. I want to share my life with you all. Is this emotionally exhibitionist? Yes. Yes, it is. But you're reading it anyway, and I don't remember when I put the gun to your head and forced you to read what I wrote.

This is a place for me to...this is a gross metaphor, but it's apt. This is a place for me to lance the infection of my psyche and squeeze out all the corruption that's been festering under my skin. It's ugly and smelly--but it's what I need in order that I don't catch a spiritual gangrene.

And I know, I know painfully well, what a trial this is for those who consider themselves my friends. I know I've driven several people away from me by talking about my bad feelings instead of saying "It's all my fault and I accept the full responsibility for it." All I can say is, I'm very sorry for this. I'm very sorry I'm making you deal with my drama-queening and pity-whoring and bad emotions. I'm very sorry that my Livejournal isn't all lighthearted discussions about FF games or music I like or movies I've seen or projects I've been working on or ways in which I've betrayed my friends or my country.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but this is all to say: I am me, I write what I want, and if you don't like it, tough luck. As I've been told, that's the way to confidence, and I'm following it to death or mutilation.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.