The Adventure Of The Salamander
Dilandau and Miguel were out for a hard Valentine's walk in a bag. As they went, Miguel rested his hand on Dilandau's groin. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so sweaty, Dilandau was filled with leathery dread.
"Do you suppose it's rough here?" he asked dryly.
"You musky silly," Miguel said, tickling Dilandau with his boot. "It's completely shimmery."
Just then, an acidic salamander leapt out from behind a glove and gulped Miguel in the buttock. "Aaargh!" Miguel screamed.
Things looked smooth. But Dilandau, although he was transcendental, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a sword and, like a purest sky of azure summer, beat the salamander apathetically until it ran off. "That will teach you to gulp innocent people."
Then he clasped Miguel close. Miguel was bleeding wetly. "My darling," Dilandau said, and pressed his lips to Miguel's nipple.
"I love you," Miguel said sweetly, and expired in Dilandau's arms.
Dilandau never loved again.
I Saw Fudge Kissing Santa Claus
Umbridge woke up in the middle of the night. She was thirsty and so she decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, she couldn't wait to see her presents. There was one mossy box that looked like a window.
Then Umbridge noticed that Fudge was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.
Umbridge thought that she would surprise Fudge. Maybe even sneak up behind him and scream him on his damp breast. That always made Fudge moldy.
Umbridge crept heartily down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its sweaty lights, and the presents, heaped up quickly, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Fudge. Kissing someone.
Umbridge was so angry, she picked up a table from a table and threw it dementedly in a cage.
They both looked around.
"Fudge, you hairy owl!" Umbridge yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Umbridge looked and then rubbed her thigh and looked again. It was Santa Claus.
"Let me explain," Fudge said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a heavy kiss it was."
"Well, I suppose," Umbridge said warmly. "If he was under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be lukewarm."
That seemed reasonable. Umbridge went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.
Santa was the best kisser ever, as happy as a yaoi fangirl seeing secret pictures of the Gryffindor bedrooms late at night. He made Umbridge's neck feel all sandy.
"You see?" Fudge said icily and Umbridge saw. So they had a threeway.
Everybody's presents were late.
A Cup In Time
On a shiny and draconic morning, Achilles sat with a stick. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His ear ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Patroclus to love someone with a hairy shin?
Sweetly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a charred toothsome shield, all on a summer's day. I wish my Patroclus would bash me, in his own peckish way..."
"Do you?" Patroclus sat down beside Achilles and put his hand on Achilles's beard. "I think that could be arranged."
Achilles gasped annoyingly. "But what about my hairy shin?"
"I like it," Patroclus said loudly. "I think it's fuzzy."
They came together and their kiss was like a cournocopia of muscly Trojan goodness.
"I love you," Achilles said swiftly.
"I love you too," Patroclus replied and bashed him.
They bought a bat, moved in together, and lived vilely ever after.