Miles Coverdale (manos74) wrote,
Miles Coverdale

All right, I've gotten some more penis-enlargement spam in my inbox, and so I'm going to deconstruct it.

"But manos74," I hear you cry, "you just deconstructed some penis-enlargement spam a week ago? What's the fuckin' deal, bitch?"

I'm glad you asked. Because this spam is genuinely disturbing on so many levels. Observe:

Wouldn't you kill to have a larger penis?

...that's a hell of a question to ask someone, isn't it. Hey, if'n I didn't tell the D.A., why the hell should I tell you?

[product] gives me bursting confidence and electric sexual energy and
makes me feel like I can lift up a Mac Truck with my pinky finger.

Okay, here's a nitpick. It's Mack Truck. So named after the GM truckworks on Mack Avenue in Detroit.

"Bursting confidence" is one thing. But the ability to hoist eighteen-wheelers with your smallest finger? I suspect steroids. And what does this have to do with penises, one may ask? I have a feeling we're about to be dragged kicking and screaming to the answer.

I used to be shy around girls and always scared of what they would
say when I pulled down my pants.

Ladies, a quick poll, if I may. It's generally considered bad form to make mock at one's partner when he's getting naked around you for the first time, yes? (Related question: This is because you generally are worried about what he's going to say when you pull down your pants, yes?)

And to whoever's writing this ad: You're so insecure about the size of your penis that you have difficulty even forming friendships with the opposite sex? Dude. I seriously pity you. What you need is some therapy, not some snake-oil penile-enhancement show.

Now I'm the one in control.

I may be misremembering, but didn't Frank Booth say the same thing? Seriously, though, thinking about sex in terms of control or domination rather than pleasure? I think the kids today call that "rape," but I'm not sure...

There's no question about whether I can perform - I KNOW I CAN.
Pinacle will give you MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE in your manhood.

Once again: manhood == penis size. I still don't understand how that works, actually, but no matter.
...actually, no, I think it does matter. Because this ad proceeds from an assumption that it does not examine--namely, that the ideal of a man involves having a larger-than-average penis and giving women pleasure from intercourse. Not giving men pleasure from intercourse, not giving women pleasure by being a caring and enjoyable person to be around, not saying "There's more important things in life than the size of my penis, thank you very much."

It's AMAZING how a few inches can supercharge your life!

Not to beat the dead horse here--but beating the dead horse is exactly what this ad does. Anyway, if the size of one's penis is the single critical factor in one's confidence...that's just kind of sad, isn't it?

Imagine your girlfriend's face when she sees your improvement -
it's going to blow her mind!

Considering where most men are reputed to keep their brains, I think whoever's writing this is the one who's hoping to get his mind blown.

...jeebus, people, it's called "wit;" try it sometime.

And the next time you make love
to her will be just like the first - with all the wild passion
of two young lovers.

You know, I think this is what bothers me the most about this spam--not only is it sexist, it's heterosexist. This is the first real blatant appearance of it, but it gets even worse after this. Observe:

Ask your wife or girlfriend RIGHT NOW if she wants you to have
a larger penis. You know the answer because bigger IS better!

As refutation of a counter-argument goes, that doesn't do much, if you think about it. It's generally considered bad logical form to provide an answer without support, yes?

Or consider this:

When she says "size doesn't matter, honey", she must be talking
about your CAR not your PENIS!

I can't tell exactly what kind of fallacy this is. It could be begging the question (i.e., loading the conclusion in the claim; especially taken in conjunction with the previous statement), or a red herring (i.e., changing the subject rather than responding to the merits of the opposing claim). Perhaps it's both.

No matter what, though, this statement is so very, very wrong that I don't even know where to begin.

The truth is, women love to feel a large, hard penis inside
them. It turns them on.

Some women, I don't doubt this. But here's a newsflash: not every woman enjoys penetration. Penis, fingers, sex toy, whatever--some women just don't enjoy having anything inside them. Following the "logic" displayed in this ad, though, those women must be "lesbians" (or at least how the average heterosexual man understands the word "lesbian").
And here's another thing--why not save the money or the angst involved with buying this ad's product, and invest in a sex toy instead? Oh, right--that would be a machine doing the work of a man! By god, I think I've discovered the Luddite streak in this strain of male phobias...

Think of your beautiful wife or
girlfriend in lingerie,

I'd rather think of a beautiful man in lingerie, thanks. Partly out of contrariness, and partly because, well, some guys do look damned good in it. (No, not just animated ones, thank you very much, Smug English Colleague...)

lying on the bed in front of you,
as you show her an extra two inches of your manhood. That
bright, wide smile spreading across her face is for you -
because she knows how much sensual pleasure you can give her now.

And are you sure it's not a you-have-to-laugh-so-you-don't-cry smile? Or a "I can't believe my partner actually fell for that" smile?

An exciting sex life guarantees a happy, long-lasting
relationship. It's amazing how a single red rose and two
hours of mind-numbing sex can make an argument just go away.

Damn yeah! Forget about spending all that time and effort to work out deep underlying problems between you and your partner--anything can be solved in the bedroom! Just fuck your partner into submission! Stayed out too late at the bar on your wife's birthday? Fell asleep watching the ball game instead of mowing the lawn? Spent every day of the marriage thinking only of yourself and your own comfort instead of making the effort to bring equality to the relationship? No matter! With The Healing Light Of Your Enhanced Cock, all those arguments just go away!

If you're unhappy with the size of your penis, don't panic,
you're not alone - the average size is only five inches. Most
women require a seven or eight inch penis for full penetration
and pleasure.

I'd be more convinced if, y'know, the writer actually brought in some proof to back all this up. Aside from that, see my comments re: penetration.

Imagine the spectacular sex you will have when
you give her more frequent, vibrant orgasms. You want a larger
penis, and you need

Of course, anyone who's willing to fall for this pitch has some deeper problems that have nothing to do with penis size.

Whatever happened to just "chicks dig confidence?" That's how I learned it, anyway. And I don't mean confidence just in the size of your penis, but basic life competence. Ladies, back me up here: having a partner with a large penis is an okay bonus, but what you really want is someone who knows what he's doing--not just in bed, but everywhere else in life, right?

Listen up, kids, for these are righteous words I speak: A stable, healthy relationship needs something more than just good sex. Sure, maybe good sex is a part of it, but it's not the most critical part, really.

Get ready for the most explosive sex of your life - your partner
will think there's a tornado between the sheets.

D'ya think this guy's mixed his metaphors enough here?

With larger,
longer, rock-hard erections and volcanic orgasms she will thank
you again, and again, and again ... and again.

You know, apis_mellifera had the same reaction once...right after I bought her the Hitachi Magic Wand for her birthday. And I didn't even have to angst over my performance in bed, neither. (Yeah, I'm sure you all wanted to know that. Meh.)

But don't take my word for it - try
it yourself. Every hotrod needs NITROUS! SHAZAAAAM!

Now, granted, I'm not the most mechanically-minded person out there. But I do own a Man...Or Astro-Man? album with "Nitrous Burn-Out" on it. My point is: If you dump nitrous oxide into your engine--sure, you'll get extra performance. But it's my understanding that using nitrous is one of the best ways to get your engine to burst out of your hood in a big ugly expensive mess. Kinda like that scene in Alien, only, y'know, not.

And what's with the "SHAZAAAAM!"? Is this the magic word that's supposed to cast the spell to get me to take this ad seriously?

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Aw, shit! It all makes sense to me now--it's Lovecraftian penile-enlargement spam! Y'see, Cthulhu has to while away the milennia by writing spam ads until such time as Rl'yeh rises from the deeps again! Now I get it!
Tags: lol internet, sarcasm
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